I wrote this a few months back, but it took a lot out of me every time I attempted to edit it. But now I am ready. So here goes – our final goodbye.
On 19 September 2020, we said our final goodbyes to our precious Pecan ah ma. Our little fighter threw in her towel and lost her battle to chronic heart failure.
It was a just a typical Saturday morning. I woke up naturally, with something warm beside my body under the comforter. I flipped the comforter up to see which rascal was cuddling with me. And there laid Pecan. I placed my hand on her and it was then that i realised she was gone.
I lifted her up, held her close for a long long time. Tears were rolling down my face, and all I could remember was me whispering to her, ‘it’s okay, Peekee, it’s okay’.
We all know this is for the better. She fought long and hard. We are truly contented with the extra time we had and we really couldn’t ask for a better way for her story to end. While the past year had been a shitty one thus far (no thanks to Covid-19), the lockdowns and restrictions gave me an opportunity to spend more time with Pecan. Working from home, I was able to create precious memories with her and we had so many good days that were so dear to me. We even managed to celebrate her 17th birthday together, just five days before our final goodbye.
I’m not gonna lie, it was heart wrenching watching her decline over the last nine months. Every time she had a syncopal episode, a part of me dies just seeing her lose consciousness and looking so confused and scared each time she woke. I could feel her slipping away, each day. Her tail wags became less and she was constantly tired. Getting her to eat was a struggle and we resorted to buying cat food and anything, everything just to get her to eat.
The covid situation also meant that her meds were at risk of being short in supply, and we had to constantly ensure that she had ample meds to last her.
We did our best to make her last days as comfortable as possible – we even rented an oxygen concentrator and created our own chamber to help her cope.
Pecan had many good days, but even more bad days throughout her fight. I was constantly battling myself, wondering if it was time to let her go or whether we should persevere on. But I was never alone. Many friends stood by me every step of the way – managing my insecurities and doubts, and giving me a push whenever I needed it. Mr Lim was amazing too. Though he wasn’t one to partake in the caregiving chores, he never once pressured me about how much we were spending on her (and trust me, it was A LOT) and he respected every decision I made. And for that, I could not thank him enough.
Our helper, A, is one hella of a fighter too. She held the fort for me in the day while I worked. I knew she was hurting too, watching Pecan decline like this, but her patience and love for Pecan are so great, she stayed strong all the way, giving me the support I really needed.
Our vet, Dr Jeenise and her team from Mount Pleasant Gelenggang, also fought with us, every step of the way too. Emergency vet visits had became a norm, but seeing the familiar faces there helped cast my panics and anxieties out and I’m always at ease there. We cheered for her review milestones and we sighed at her emergency visits together. Deep down, I knew Pecan was in the best hands whenever she was in the clinic and they really showered her with so much care and concern. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I also cannot thank Pecan’s other mom, T, enough. She respected all the decisions I made and stood by me the entire time. I knew her heart was breaking too, but she always made sure I was fine. Thank you so for many things – for letting Pecan be part of my life, and for being here with us.
Pecan and I are just so blessed to have these people in our lives.
This was one tough journey – emotionally, physically and financially. We burnt a huge hole in our pockets over the last nine months – medications, vet visits, tests, hospitalisations and many more. Besides the financial drain, the countless sleepless nights and emotional roller coaster rides were just as exhausting.
But, I will absolutely do it all over again in a heartbeat (literally). Our Pee-kee put up a darn good fight and I am so so so proud of her. I’m extremely thankful that I was with her every step of her final journey and I know we did everything we could, so did she.
I never thought I will be ready to say goodbye, but when the time came, I realised that it was really okay. I was at peace. I knew she was tired, so were we. I miss her, so so much. But it’s just the cycle of life. Our time together is up and she has to move on. It’s okay, cos I believe she will be in my arms once again, someday.
Oh my Pee-kee-kee, what a journey it has been. An amazing one for sure. When I took you home at ten years old, all I hoped for was to have at least five years with you. You gave me SEVEN, seven amazing years. Thank you for giving me so much in the past 7 years. I want you in my arms again but I know you are in a way more comfortable place now. Mummy will be okay, I promise you. I know you have been holding on for that. Please know that Mummy is so so so proud of you. It’s time for you to go enjoy yourself and be the happy, tailwagging and lovely old lady you are. Find pips and have a ball. I’m sure she is waiting for you. Meanwhile, I’ll see you soon and when that day comes, please do your happy dance for me.
I love you to the moon and back. I really do.